


Missing Her

by wishdreamlovexx



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Depression, F/M, Love, Self Confidence Issues, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2013-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-04 06:44:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1077830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishdreamlovexx/pseuds/wishdreamlovexx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hadley and Harry were the best of friends and had been dating for a little over three years. Because she was dating THE Harry Styles of One Direction, hate was continually sent to her. Everybody reaches their breaking point eventually, even if it means leaving the one they love most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing Her

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to make this warning clear: this work may be triggering and it is very sad, so if this does not appeal to you, please don't read it!

Hadley was never the most secure person in the world. She was bullied most days in school for anything and everything. Whether it was what she was wearing or her weight, people threw harsh comments at her before like it was nothing. She didn't understand how people could be so heartless. What didn't help were the girls on the covers of magazines. They were all so thin, and Hadley wasn't that sickly skinny. She felt she had to be like that for people to like her, but then people told her she was too skinny. She just wanted to be accepted.

Luckily, for a while at least, she had a best friend there to keep her from crumbling. His name was Harry. Harry Styles. He was always there for a shoulder to cry on and helped her face the bullies at school. She had another best friend, Alice, but they had drifted apart. She also was good friends with Harry's older sister Gemma. But when Harry went off to audition for the X-Factor, she had no one. No one to tell her she was worth it.

It was a bad time for Hadley. She was depressed, and she didn't see the point in living anymore. She had always secretly liked Harry more than a friend, but when he was put through on the X-Factor and then put into One Direction, she gave up her hopes that he would ever like her like that. Harry didn't call at all while he was gone, but then months later, he did. Reluctantly she answered the phone and saw Harry standing on her front porch with a bouquet of roses. And that was how it all started.

When their relationship went public a few months later, that was when the hate started. People that didn't know the real her called her horrendous names for being in love. She couldn't help that she fell for their idol way before he was a teenage heartthrob. At first it was easy to ignore; just reading the lovely comments was enough to brighten her day. But she was only human. It was worse than at her school, and she couldn't take it. A lot of days she would just cry and cry. Harry told her not to read the things his fans sent her because he knew how judgmental they could be. Hadley, of course, still did.

About two years into their relationship, she couldn't take it anymore. She wanted to find something, _anything_ , better than this. So she picked up the blade and marked her skin. It wasn't the best way to handle the situation, but she thought she would be able to stop. But boy was she wrong. One cut turned into two, and so on until the tops of her thighs and bottom of her wrists had constant scars. Luckily, she was very good at hiding things. She knew how much Harry would hurt if he saw what she did to herself. This is a story of love and death. Would you ever die leaving the one you love?

~~~

Hadley sat on the windowsill, staring out at the London skyline. Her skin was so pale the veins were clearly visible. Scars covered her arms and thighs, counting the battles she has fought against herself. She wasn't healthy, and she hadn't been for a long time. Her arms and legs were too skinny, but she thought she was anything but. She can't help but wonder "Who would miss me?" Her phone was thrown across the room; her Twitter mentions on the screen. "Attention seeking, slut, bitch, go kill yourself," were just some of the horrendous words sent to her. All because of the boy she loved. He would miss her, wouldn't he? He was the only thing keeping her alive. But now, it didn't even seem like enough.

She pulled herself up and grabbed her notebook and pen. She wrote and wrote while tears continually streamed down her face, droplets falling onto the paper. She folded the paper and wrote his name on it, praying he would find it.

Walking into the bathroom, she scavenged under the sink for her weapon of choice in this war against herself. She flipped the shiny blade over and over in her hand as her lips curved into a small smile, so small you wouldn't even see it's there. Bottles of pills surrounded her on the bathroom floor. She reached her empty, shaking hand to her wrist and scratched at the scars adorning them. Crimson blood fell from her wrists as she began to sob. Negative thoughts flooded her mind. It was all too much for her to handle anymore.

She reached for the glistening blade, so clean and tantalizing. Skillfully she ran it across her thigh, deeper than ever before. The physical pain was manageable compared to the mental numbness. The once white tiles were now bright red with her blood. She didn't have much longer. She grabbed a bottle and popped a mixture of deadly pills into her mouth, dry swallowing. She couldn't see straight, the world spinning. In that moment, all she thought about was him. "I'm sorry," she whispered as the world faded to black.

~~~

"Hadley, I'm home!" the curly haired boy called into the apartment.

He walked into the living room to find the television on, but no sign of her. Next he checked the kitchen, but she was nowhere in sight. Then he walked into the bedroom to find her phone on the bed. By now he was beyond worried and shaking. He reached out and grabbed her phone and unlocked it. Her Twitter appeared on the screen as Harry read the disgusting words and threats sent to _his_ girlfriend. "Shit," he said under his breath as he ran to the bathroom.

The door handle refused to budge. Locked. He threw himself against the door, and it opened. His body ached with pain, but he pushed it to the back of his mind. He found Hadley on the floor of the bathroom, surrounded in pill bottles and blood. Harry crumbled to the ground next to her. He didn't even notice the tears that fell from his green eyes. "Please, say something."

But she said nothing. She wasn't breathing, nor was her heat beating. He reached into his pocket and called for an ambulance.

"Hello, what is your emergency?" a lady spoke.

"I found my girlfriend on the floor of the bathroom in our apartment. She's not breathing and doesn't have a p-pulse," Harry attempted to keep his voice steady, but failed to do so.

"Ok, an ambulance is on their way and shall be there shortly," she ended the call after that.

"Don't leave me," he whispered as he rested his head on her chest.

The ambulance arrived a few minutes later and forced Harry out of the bathroom. They lifted her onto a gurney and wheeled her out of the room. He followed close behind, praying that they would be able to bring her back. He climbed into the back of the ambulance, still sobbing. _She's not gone. She's not gone,_ he repeated over and over in his head. He held her lifeless hand as they did everything in their power to help her. The minute they reached the hospital the wheeled her down a seemingly never-ending hallway. One Harry was not allowed to go down. "Please! Doctor let me through! I need to see her!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Styles. Only hospital staff are allowed back there. we'll let you know when you can see her. I assure you we are trying our best," he said before walking back through the doors to where Hadley was.

Harry walked back to the waiting room and leaned against the wall. His whole body ached from smashing the door, and apparently the receptionist noticed and ordered he got checked out himself. Despite his protests, they found he only had minor bruising on his back and shoulder, giving him painkillers. He walked back to the waiting room and dialed Louis's number. "Harry, you alright?"

"Lou, I'm at the hospital. Had-" his voice was deeper and raspier, and he couldn't bring himself to say her name without bursting to tears.

"Calm down Haz. We'll be there as soon as we can!" Louis spoke before hanging up the phone. All of the boys absolutely adored Hadley. She was so much fun to be around and an extraordinary friend. She didn't use the boys for fame; she liked them for them. Obviously, Harry knew her longer and would take this harder than anyone else. She was his entire world.

Harry put his phone in his pocket and slid down the wall. He sobbed his heart out, not caring about who was watching. _Why would Hadley do such a thing?_ Harry knew how bad the hate was, but she was a strong girl. The fans did this. The fans brought her to her breaking point, where nothing would be enough to stop her from leaving. In that moment he hated being a worldwide sensation. _I did this. It's my fault._

Liam, Louis, Niall, and Zayn rushed into the emergency waiting room to find Harry in a ball on the gronud, talking to himself. "It's my fault. It's my fault."

They crouched down to Harry's level. Louis took Harry's hands away from his face. "Harry, it's not your fault. Stop saying that," he said in a soft tone.

"But it is Louis! If I wasn't a famous pop star, nobody would have sent her hate and cause her to do this to herself!" Harry broke.

"You can't control that. It's not your fault. It's the "fans" that brought her to this. You can't blame youself over something you can't control," Liam said reasonably.

Harry wiped his tears. "I guess you're right."

"Visitors here for Hadley Wood?"

The boys helped Harry up and hurried over to the doctor. "Is she ok? Can we see her?" Harry asked.

"She is in a coma. She may never come out of it. I'm so sorry Mr. Styles. Her room number is 211, make a right at the end of the hallway."

That was all Harry needed to hear before taking off down the hallway. He didn't think it was possible to cry anymore tears, but obviously he was wrong when he felt more hot tears on his cheeks. He opened the door slowly and poked his head in. At the sight of Hadley's pale body hooked up to so many different machines, Harry let out a strangled sob. He took a seat in the uncomfortable chair next to her bed and held her hand. He found himself singing "Little Things."

"Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me

But bear this in mind it was meant to be

And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks, and it all makes sense to me

I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile

You've never loved your stomach or your thighs

The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine

But I'll love them endlessly

I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth

But if I do, It's you

Oh, it's you they add up to

I'm in love with you and all these little things

You can't go to bed without a cup of tea

And maybe that's the reason that you talk in your sleep

And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep

Though it makes no sense to me

I know you've never loved the sound of your voice on tape

You never want to know how much you weigh

You still have to squeeze into your jeans, and you're perfect to me

I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth

But if it's true, it's you

It's you they add up to

I'm in love with you and all these little things

You'll never love yourself half as much as I love yo

And you'll never treat yourself right, darling, but I want you to

If I let you know I'm here for you

Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you, oh

And I've just let these little things slip out of my mouth

'Cause it's you, oh, it's you

It's you they add up to

And I'm in love with you and all these little things

I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth

But if it's true, it's you

It's you they add up to

I'm in love with you and all your little things."

While Harry was singing the boys had snuck into the room and leaned against the wall. He refused to let her go. Hadley was strong; she would push through this. He needed her like he needed oxygen. He made a promise to himself to not leave her side until she woke up. Minutes later Hadley's mother came through the door. Her make-up was running down her face as she saw her lifeless daughter. Harry stood but didn't let go of Hadley's hand. Her mother hugged Harry; she knew how close the two of them were. "I'm sorry. It's my fault," Harry whispered.

"Oh, Harry. It's not your fault. Don't tell yourself that."

She released him and pulled up a chair next to him. The others had found their way to the cafeteria. They sat down at a table and began to talk.

"Harry's really beating himself up over this," Niall said.

"No shit Sherlock. It was our "fans" hat sent hate to Hadley," Louis said placing air quotes around "fans."

"I'm really worried about him. What if she never wakes up? He'll be devastated," Zayn commented.

"Let's not focus on that right now, Zayn. Let's just make sure Harry actually eats something while he's with Hadley," Liam, being the sensible one, said.

The boys nodded and grabbed a coffee and bag of pretzels for Harry. It was awfully hard on all of them to see two of their best friends like this, but they had to be strong for Harry. When they came back they found Harry and Hadley's mother both staring at her. Harry with grief, her mother with sadness. Louis handed Harry the food and beverage, which he put on the table beside her bed, saying "I'm not hungry."

As visiting hours came to a close, Hadley's mother left to go to her hotel while the boys attempted to pull Harry away from Hadley. They eventually gave up and left the room. Hadley's nurse Natalie came in shortly after. "Harry, you have to leave now. You can come back in the morning," she said softly.

"I can't. I promised not to leave her side."

"You really love her, don't you?" Harry nodded.

"I'll let you stay then. But only because I can see how much you care for her," she smiled.

"Thank you," he forced a smile before Natalie left to care for another patient.

"Hey Hadley. I heard that people can still hear when they're in a coma, so I'm going to give it a go. I miss you Hadley, so much. Why would you do this to yourself? You're beautiful just the way you are. All of that hate is a load of bullshit. Fucking bullshit. They are all jealous of you. You get to have me, and they don't. Don't give up Hadley. I can't live without you. I can't eat; I don't want to sleep not knowing if you're ok. Please. I need you," Harry's voice cracked as he finished speaking.

Before the exhaustion took over, he sent a tweet to all of his followers.

@Harry_Styles: Please pray for my girlfriend @Hadley_Wood and remember, words can kill.

~~~

It had been a month since that dreadful day, and Hadley hadn't improved. Harry seldom left her room, slept, or ate. The boys visited every day, trying to force Harry to eat _something_ or to tell him how management was angry with him. But Harry couldn't give a damn about them. All that mattered to him was Hadley. Her mother was forced to go back home to work, but she called Harry to check up at least once a day, if not more. The doctors already knew that there was virtually no chance for Hadley to wake up from her coma, but they did not tell Harry this. They knew he would refuse to listen, so why waste their breath?

Harry was scrolling through his Twitter, reading all of the comments about Hadley. Almost all of them were wishing her well, but there were a few saying "she deserves it." How sick could people be? How could someone tell another human being they deserve to die? It certainly fooled Harry. He put his phone on the table and cried. He was surprised how much he had cried in the past month. Whenever he thought all of his tears were shed, he would sob even more.

"Hadley, please wake up. I can't go another day without knowing you're ok," he thought he felt her squeeze her hand, but it was just his imagination.

"Harry, she can't hear you," Louis said from the doorway.

"How do you know, Lou? Are you a doctor?" Harry snapped, before realizing the harshness of his words.

"Shit, Lou, I didn't mean it like that."

He chuckled before walking over to his best friend. "I know Haz. She'll get better. She's a fighter."

"You think?"

"I know. I'm going to go get us some coffee. Be back in a bit?" Harry nodded before Louis walked out of the room.

Harry tapped his fingers to the tune of "Moments" in his head before beginning to sing.

"Shut the door, turn the light off

I wanna be with you, I wanna feel your love

I wanna lay beside you

I cannot hide this, even though I try

Heart beats harder, time escapes me

Trembling hands touch skin

It makes this harder

And the tears stream down my face

If we could only have this life, for one more day

If we could only turn back time

You know I'll be, your life, your voice, your reason to be

My love, my heart

Is breathing for this

Moment

In time

I'll find the words to say, before you leave me today

Close the door, throw the key

Don't wanna be reminded, don't wanna be seen

Don't wanna be without you

My judgment's clouded, like tonight's sky

Hands are silent, voice is numb

Try to scream out my lungs

It makes this harder

And the tears stream down my face

If we could only have this life, for one more day

If we could only turn back time

You know I'll be, your life, your voice, your reason to be

My love, my heart

Is breathing for this

Moment

In time

I'll find the words to say, before you leave me today

Flashing lights in my mind, going back to the time

Playing games in the street, kicking balls with my feet

There's a numb in my toes, standing close to the edge

There's a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed

As I feel myself fall, make a joke of it all

You know I'll be, your life, your voice, your reason to be

My love, my heart

Is breathing for this

Moment

In time

I'll find the words to say, before you leave me today

You know I'll be, your life, your voice, your reason to be

My love, my heart

Is breathing for this

Moment

In time

I'll find the words to say, before you leave me today."

Harry felt that Hadley could somehow hear him. Even if she couldn't, it made him feel better to sing some of her favorite songs. Natalie came in and smiled at Harry. She took a seat in the chair next to him. "If you don't mind me asking, what happened to Hadley? I know it's kinda personal; you don't have to answer."

Harry took a deep breath. "It was one of those days where I had to wake up extremely early and go record all day. I woke up and got ready in sweats and a beanie, since it didn't really matter what I wore. She looked at me with her tired eyes from the bed. I apologized for having to be gone all day, but she just shrugged it off saying it was no big deal. I went to the recording studio, and that's all we did. We weren't allowed that many breaks, except to eat and I wasn't allowed to use my phone to text or call.

"I sent her a text on the way home telling her how much I missed her. She didn't respond, but I didn't really put much thought to it. I walked up the steps to our apartment and when I opened the door I didn't see any sign of her. When I walked into our bedroom I saw her phone and unlocked it. Her Twitter was open to all of the hate people have sent her. I tried to open the bathroom door, but it was locked.

"I ended up breaking the door by slamming into it. I saw her lying down on the bathroom floor. The floor was stained red and there were cuts on her wrists and th-thighs. A bunch of pill bottles were all around her. She was so pale, and she wasn't b-breathing or anything so I called an ambulance. They came ad t-took her to the hospital. A few hours later they told me she w-was in a coma and might not wake up. I haven't l-left s-since."

Natalie rubbed her hand in circles on his back in an effort to calm down his shaking body. It took a lot of courage on Harry's part, and Natalie realized that. She wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so sorry I asked."

"No, it felt good to tell someone else the full story. Thank you. For everything."

"It was my pleasure. I have to go back to work now, but I'll stop by after my shift ends," she walked out of Hadley's room to continue work.

Harry stood up and stretched before looking at himself in the mirror. He started seeing stars and had to grab the back of the chair to stay balanced. His cheeks were hollow and his skin was almost as pale as Hadley's. He was a tad thinner than he was a month ago. His hair was sticking out in all different directions, some parts stuck to his face from his tears. To put it bluntly, he was an absolute mess. "I'm back!" a familiar voice called into the room.

Harry turned around and took the coffee from Louis's hands. It warmed his skin; he hadn't realized he was cold at all. Louis talked and tried to get Harry's mind off of Hadley for once, though he knew that was impossible. But it never hurt to try. It more or less distracted Harry momentarily, but as soon as Louis left, Hadley was all he could think about. He took a power nap and a few hours later Natalie came back. But they just sat in comfortable silence, which was fine for the both of them. Around midnight Natalie had to leave, but not without giving Harry a reassuring, friendly hug.

Again Harry was alone with Hadley. "It's been a month since you harmed yourself. I just wish I could have stopped you. If I would have known you felt like this, I wouldn't have left that morning. Why didn't you tell me? I would have listened to you. I could have made you feel better. Instead you're lying in a hospital bed, and I'm here wondering if the love of my life will ever wake up. Please, come back. _Come back,_ " he merely whispered.

The only sound was the slow but steady beep of her heart. Tears fell to the tiles of the hospital floor. Harry held Hadley's lifeless hand as sobs shook his body. He always amazed himself when he cried. How many tears could he shed? He wiped his cheeks with his free hand before staring at Hadley. Although there were many wires and needles protruding from her veins and she was lying in a hospital bed, she looked stunning. Just another thing that amazed him, he thought.

He heard the heart monitor go flat. His head darted up to see that indeed, there was a flat line on the screen. "Help!" Harry called, his voice soft and raspy.

Nurses streamed in faster than he could count. They pushed him out of the room as they tried once again to bring life back to her body. He paced up and down the hallway, mumbling to himself. Almost an hour later he was stopped by a doctor. "I'm sorry, Mr. Styles. She's gone."

Harry pushed through the nurses and saw Hadley lying in her hospital bed like before. Except this time he knew she was gone. "I guess this is goodbye Hadley. I will always love you."

He was out of tears to cry. Harry walked out of her room for the last time and was stopped again by the doctor. "The police found a note for you from that day. We thought it would be better to give it to you now," he then walked away.

Harry leaned against the wall and slid down it. He saw his name on the front of the paper in her writing. Slowly he unfolded the note and began to read.

 

_Dear Harry,_

_If you're reading this I am already gone. Don't you dare try to blame yourself for this, because it's not your fault. I've been unhappy with myself for a long time now. My stomach, my thighs, my hair, my eyes, every little thing. I knew I should have told you that I was feeling like this, but I didn't want to bother you. After all, you are Harry Styles, teenage heartthrob. The marks on my skin count the number of battles I've lost against myself, and there are quite a lot. I know as you are reading this you're trying to think of when you should have noticed all of the signs. You shouldn't though. What's past is past._

_I've reached my breaking point Harry. The constant hate was too much. I'm not as strong as you think I am. As I write this tears fall from my eyes and blind my vision. I didn't see the point in living in a world where so many people hate you. That's understandable, right? Either way, I'm done. But please don't blame yourself for my unhappiness. Because you were the only happiness left in my life._

_I love you Harry. More than I should. I love the way your green eyes sparkle when they catch the light. I love the way you always know exactly what to say to make my heart met. I love the tattoos that adorn your body. I love the cheeky little boy from Holmes Chapel who made it big for himself. I love the boy that can make girls scream just by smiling. I love every single part of you. I am truly, madly, crazy, deeply, irrevocably in love with you. Remember that Harry._

_I want you to promise me something Harry. Promise me that you will find happiness again. I don't mean forget me completely, but find a girl that makes you smile. Find a girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. Start a future with her. I want you to be happy, Harry, even though it's not with me._

_Please don't forget about me. I will never forget you Harry. You were the best part of my life. One day, hopefully not anytime soon, we will be together again. Just don't give up. And remember, like Titanic, my heart will go on._

_I love you,_

_Hadley xox_

 

The tears streamed down Harry's face like a relentless waterfall. How could he find happiness again without her? Yes, he had his four best friends to support him, but he didn't think it was possible to love someone as much as he loved Hadley. But he never backed down from a promise, no matter how big or small. Four pairs of feet came running down the hallway to find Harry. Louis wrapped his arms around Harry and whispered words of comfort into his ear. "You'll be ok Harry. Just let it all out."

Liam and Niall helped Harry up off the ground and to the car. Harry's tears had subsided and were replaced with a numb feeling. He didn't feel angry or sad; he felt empty, incomplete. He didn't understand this feeling, how he could feel so hollow. _It's my fault. It's my fault._

Harry walked in to Louis's and Niall's apartment and locked himself in the guest bedroom. Pulling out his phone, he sent a tweet.

@Harry_Styles: My happiness in this world is gone. You people are sick, hating on someone you haven't met. #RipHadley

Almost immediately his mentions blew up with nice comments, saying how they never hated Hadley, but adored her instead. Harry recognized some of the usernames as ones that sent her hate in the past, and he just let out a raspy laugh. Not a true laugh, but something. He moved to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He looked down to his pale, clean wrists and wondered if the physical pain of a blade would take away the numbness. As he found a blade and held it in his hand, he thought about how disappointed Hadley would be. He didn't want to disappoint, but this seemed like the only way out. He dragged the blade across his wrist and sucked in a breath. He painted line after line, the paintbrush the blade and the canvas his wrist. "Harry, you alright?" Louis yelled from the hallway of the apartment.

"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute."

Quickly he ran water over his arm, a stinging sensation coursing throughout his while body. He cleaned up the blood from the floor and pulled on a hoodie. As he walked out of the bathroom, he had to resist the urge to rip off his hoodie to relieve the marks along his arm. Sadly, he did not have the pleasure of wearing short sleeves anymore. He craved the feeling of the cold blade on his skin, because it was the only thing that could break through the numbness.

Harry walked over to the door, unlocked it, and opened it only to see Louis there, arms crossed. Louis was worried about Harry. Ever since Hadley was in the hospital he hadn't been the same. It hurt Louis to see his best friend in this state. But today, he was even worse. Louis could tell just by looking in his eyes. He was broken, lost, confused, depressed, angry. He blamed himself for Hadley's death and he shouldn't. "That was longer than a minute," Louis said jokingly.

"Sorry Lou," Harry said softly.

"Wanna come watch a movie? You can pick!"

"I think I'm going to lie down," he doesn't trust his voice to say more.

"Ok, sleep tight Haz," Louis pulled Harry into a hug before returning to the living room.

Harry then got under the covers and pulled them up to his chin. He curled his knees into his chest and cried. He longed for Hadley to be in his arms. Instead he held onto himself, attempting to hold himself together.

~~~

It was the day of Hadley’s funeral. Harry was a complete mess. His curls were a mess, his cheeks were hollow, and overall did not resemble himself. He was dressed in a black suit and matching tie. The boys were all dressed similarly. Nobody dared to talk; they knew how hard Harry was taking her death and never mentioned it around him. Harry was supposed to speak in front of everybody at the funeral, but he didn’t know if he could. He could hardly think about her without tears streaming down his face. I guess he would find out.

The boys piled into a car and drove off. It had been about a week since Hadley passed and Harry had only gotten worse. Scars lined his arms up to his elbows, and more covered the tops of his thighs. He didn’t understand how the physical pain made the numb feeling bearable, but it did and that was all that mattered to him. He didn’t see the point in life anymore. His whole world was shattered. Yes, there were the boys and the fans, but he felt incomplete. He could barely function. “Harry,” Liam nudged his shoulder and snapped him out of his thoughts.

He got out of the van and stood outside. Most of the ceremony went by in a blur. He was trying so hard to pay attention, but it hurt. So instead, he zoned out until he was called to speak. Harry walked up to the podium and microphone and cleared his throat before speaking.

“Hadley wasn’t just a girl. She was beautiful, strong, caring, selfless, intelligent, and brave. She was my girlfriend and the love of my life. My love for her is so deep; deeper than you could ever imagine. I had not expected to fall for one of my close friends. But I did, and I enjoyed every second. Hadley, beyond anything else, was strong. She received hate, more than anyone in this world should receive. For so long she didn’t let the mean comments affect her. But everyone has a breaking point. Hadley had reached hers, and I didn’t even know how hurt she was. I feel terrible every single day. I will forever remember Hadley Wood. She always has a home in my heart,” his voice was raspy and cracked at the end.

Harry looked out at the crowd and saw tears running down people’s faces. He walked back to his seat next to Hadley’s mother and cried into his hands. He couldn’t deal with this pain anymore. It slowly took over Harry until it completely consumed him. He just wanted to feel ok again. But the chances of that happening were slim to none. His body shook as he sobbed and Mrs. Wood rubbed circles on his back in an attempt to calm him down. And surprisingly, it did. Harry then made an effort to listen to the boys all go up to talk. They said a few words, then gestured Harry to come up. He forgot that he was going to sing a song that he wrote, but was never on an album. The boys patted him on the back and let him take the microphone stand. “This, is for Hadley,” he said as the piano intro played.

“Now you were standing there right in front of me

I hold on, it’s getting harder to breathe

All of a sudden these lights are blinding me

I never noticed how bright they would be

I saw in the corner there is a photograph

No doubt in my mind it’s a picture of you

It lies there alone in its bed of broken glass

This bed was never made for two

I’ll keep my eyes wide open

I’ll keep my arms wide open

Don’t let me

Don’t let me

Don’t let me go

‘Cause I’m tired of feeling alone

Don’t let me

Don’t let me go

‘Cause I’m tired of feeling alone

I promised one day that I’d bring you back a star

I caught one and it burned a hole in my hand, oh

Seems like these days I watch you from afar

Just trying to make you understand

I’ll keep my eyes wide open, yeah

Don’t let me

Don’t let me

Don’t let me go

‘Cause I’m tired of feeling alone

Don’t let me

Don’t let me go

Don’t let me

Don’t le me

Don’t let me go

‘Cause I’m tired of feeling alone

Don’t let me

Don’t let me

Don’t let me go

‘Cause I’m tired of feeling alone

Don’t let me

Don’t let me go

‘Cause I’m tired of sleeping alone.”

Harry stared back out at the crowd as they all stood and applauded. Tears were rolling carelessly down his cheeks, but he didn’t bother to wipe them away. He couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief. He put his heart into that song, like it was one last chance to reach out to Hadley. The rest of the events went by in a blur, until everyone had left but the boys. All were teary-eyed, some more than others. Louis, Liam, Niall, and Zayn walked over to the car and gave Harry some alone time. Standing in the cemetery, he let out a raspy scream. He didn’t understand how this numb feeling took over his body and mind. It took over his body like a tidal wave. He fell to his knees and put his head in his hands. The rain was coming down harder now, drenching him from head to toe. Not that he cared.

He did not know how much time had passed before Zayn and Louis came back. They pulled Harry off the ground and guided him to the car. “We have an interview tomorrow. We need to be ready by 2,” Liam announced as he drove everyone home.

He received a chorus of responses, except from Harry. He wasn’t really _there_ , mentally. To begin with, Harry wasn’t too fond of interviews. But now, he detested them. Because he knew for a fact that they would ask about Hadley. It pained him to even think about her, let alone speak. As Liam pulled into a parking space at the apartment building, Harry took off in a sprint to his shared apartment. They called after him, but their attempts were futile. Harry ran up the stairs and to his apartment in record speed. He shut the door and leaned up against it. The loud footsteps of Louis and Niall could be heard from behind the door. But before they could join him and ask what that was about, Harry moved to his room.

Locking the door, Harry pulled off his jacket and untied his tie. One by one he undid the buttons on his shirt. He pulled it off, as well as his shoes and pants. He could see the red lines that adorned his body, too many to count. He wished he could stop. He thought he would be able to stop. But he couldn’t have been so wrong. It was an addiction, chipping away at Harry until there was nothing left. He brought his hand to his wrist and scratched at the scars. Reopening the wounds, he watched the blood run down his arm. He craved the physical pain like an alcoholic craved a drink.

Harry felt dizzy, but ignored it. He was used to it. After rinsing his arm under cold water and cleaning the crimson blood off the floor, he pulled out his notebook and pen.

 

_Dear Hadley,_

_So today was your funeral. I couldn’t stop crying. I love you so much Had. I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me how you were feeling. I could have helped you know. I miss you more every day. I long for you to be in my arms. I wish that I could keep your promise. But I can’t. I can’t be happy anymore without you. I will never love anyone as much as I love you. I wish you were here. Or that I was with you. Either way we would be together. Maybe we’ll be together, sooner than you think._

_I love you,_

_Harry xox_

 

He wrote small letters to Hadley almost every day. He felt closer to her, although she wasn’t next to him anymore. Harry then fell asleep, hugging his pillow.

~~~

The morning came far too soon. Harry pulled himself out of bed, too quick for his body’s liking. Almost immediately the world started to spin and blurred his vision. As he recovered he made his way to the bathroom. He stopped and stared at his reflection and didn’t believe what he saw. A broken boy, battle scars covering his arms and legs, is what he saw. Shaking his head, he took a shower and let the hot water warm his cold body. The shower didn’t relax him as it used to. Which was a shame really, since he really needed to calm his nerves this morning.

Harry stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist and shaking out his wet hair. He looked down to his scars and thought of Hadley. _How did she hide this for so long?_ He pulled on a dark red long sleeve shirt and black skinny jeans, along with white Converse. He threw on a few bracelets as well. As Harry walked out of his room, he found Niall and Louis waiting for him on the couch.

“Care to explain why you refused to talk to us last night?” Niall questioned Harry.

He shrugged. “It wasn’t personal.”

“We’re just worried about you Harry. You haven’t been the same cheeky boy you were before,” Louis said.

“Sorry Lou, I didn’t mean to worry you,” his voice was hoarse.

“No need to apologize. Just promise that you’re alright.”

“I’m ok,” Harry lied, but Louis didn’t see that. Or at least he didn’t show it.

Harry barely ate and couldn’t sit still. He was nervous for this interview. It would be the first one since her death, and he knew he was going to be asked about the whole situation. Why management would set this up only a day after the funeral is beyond Harry. Liam picked up the three boys and drove to the studio where the interview would take place. Harry’s hands played with the bracelets on his wrist, having a relaxing effect on him.

The boys walked into the studio and were given some details about the interview before they would go on stage. Then the crew hooked up their microphones and walked out onstage. The lights felt hot on Harry’s skin. The crowd seemed to roar as they made their way to the couch. Harry attempted to smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. The interviewer asked some basic questions about the tour and their new album before centering on Harry.

“So Harry, we’ve heard that your girlfriend committed suicide. Is that really true?”

Harry took a deep breath. “Yes, she did.”

“Why would you want to be with a girl like _that_? I mean, you could have anyone you wanted.”

This enraged Harry. “Don’t you _ever_ talk about Hadley that way. She was such a beautiful girl who had been strong for too long. She received tons of hate constantly because of me. No girl deserves that.”

To say the least, she was shocked. “One last question Harry. Are you thinking of coming back onto the dating scene anytime soon?”

“What kind of fucking question is that? Never in a million years would I go back to any type of relationship,” Harry stood and stormed off, away from the studio.

He broke out into a run, despite the snow falling from the sky. The cold hit his face like a brick wall, and his cheeks flushed pink. Stars of color blurred his vision, but he pushed them aside for the moment. He managed to run back to his apartment, taking back streets to avoid being seen. As he unlocked the door and hurried over to his bed, he grabbed a notebook, pen, and a little something he may have stolen from their bodyguards. A small handgun, loaded with a single bullet inside. Harry was done, both physically and mentally. Waking up with a gigantic hole in his chest and never feeling any type of relief besides physical pain and blood was not worth it to him.

As to not waste any time, he stuffed these things into a black bag and rushed out of his apartment. His feet found a steady pace as he ran through the city to the place where his lover lies. The cemetery. He found peace when he was there. He felt like he could let all of his emotions truly out. As he routinely found Hadley’s tombstone, he fell to his knees. Tears rushed down his face and he screamed. He flipped to a fresh page in his notebook.

 

_Dear lads,_

_If you’re reading this I am most likely gone. Don’t be sad. Don’t mourn. I haven’t been myself lately, and I guess you probably caught on to that. But it’s not your fault. Every day was much too painful. More painful than it should be. I’m sorry to leave like this, so abrupt, but it seemed easier to just rip the bandage off._

_Do you know how love feels? Like, real love? It consumes you and takes over every little part of you without you even realizing. It’s stronger than any other force in the world. I love her. I had, I do, and I always will. Nobody means more to me than her. She was my sunshine, and I was hers. I felt like absolute shit to let her down. The guilt and numbing feeling is now what courses through my veins. I will never forgive myself for that._

_Louis, please don’t be upset. I will miss you so, so much but I need to be with her. You have been nothing but the best friend you can be to me, even when I was at my absolute lowest. You have the boys, Eleanor. Don’t take it personally; I’m just not happy anymore. You will always be in my heart._

_Liam, I’m sorry. I’ve tried and tried and tried again to feel better. But nothing has changed. I don’t feel any better. Thank you for always being there whenever I needed some sense knocked into me. Please be there for the rest of the boys; they’ll need a rock like you._

_Niall, don’t cry. I wasn’t happy anymore. Don’t be sad that I’m gone. Instead, light up the world with your smile. Think of all the happy memories we shared. Stay the crazy, carefree mofo you are now. Stay happy Niall. You make everyone else smile too._

_Zayn, don’t shut out the world. I know you sometimes think it’s easier, but it’s not. You all are going to want each other. Thank you for always listening to me when I needed advice or just someone to rant to without being judged. And please, take care of Liam. He’ll need someone too._

_You guys mean more to me than almost everybody in the world. You guys were the brothers I never had. But I want all of you to be happy. One day we will be reunited, hopefully later rather than sooner._

_Much love,_

_Harry_

 

He ripped the paper neatly out of the notebook and folded it. The snow was gradually building up on the grass. Harry turned to a new page in his notebook and wrote another note.

 

_Dear Mum, Robin, and Gemma,_

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left without any warning. But the pain was too much. After seeing her in a hospital bed every day for a month, and then her not being there, I broke. She made me so happy, happier than anything or anyone. Life was too painful to face every day. A numb feeling took over my entire body. You may think it sounds better than pain, but it’s not. It’s so much worse._

_Mum, stay strong. I don’t want you to be sad because of me. Just remember all of the happy memories. I believe in you. Thank you for every little thing you have done for me, including taking me to my X-Factor audition. Without you, my dream wouldn’t have been within reach. I love you._

_Robin, thank you for taking me in as one of your own. You have been nothing but kind to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Thank you for all of your support, and I love you._

_Gemma, I know you’re going to take this hard. Do you know what true love feels like? It conquers all, even life. Without her in my life, I am undeniably depressed, broken, and confused. Every day was harder to face than the last. I love her, Gemma, so much. You’ve always liked her. Everything happens for a reason, remember that. Thank you for always being there for me. I love you._

_Please, don’t blame yourselves for me leaving so unexpectedly. Just know I’m in a better place. I love you all._

_With love,_

_Harry_

 

He tore out this letter too, folding it and scrawling names across it. Tears brimmed his eyes as he placed the letters next to her grave. He rolled up his sleeves and pushed up his bracelets, admiring the different scars that adorned his skin. _He_ did this to himself. Every cut, different in size and shape, marked a different memory. His hands ran along them, tempting him to rip them open. His will power was not strong enough to stop him. Harry picked at the scars and reopened the skin, crimson slowly falling to the white snow.

By now Harry was a complete, sobbing mess. His breathing was ragged as tears fell. He never knew something could be so hard. He bent down and grabbed the small handgun. Admiring it, he turned it back and forth in his hand. His body seemed to calm down then. Tears ceased to fall any longer, and his breathing had steadied. It was now or never.

His hand, now scarlet, made its way to the trigger of the gun. His bloodshot eyes glanced over at her tombstone. Every memory of her ran through his mind, from the good to the bad. With the thought of Hadley in his mind, he held the gun up to his head and pulled the trigger. His last words were, “I’m sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this around September and I really just made up the idea myself and ran with it. This is the first piece of work I actually finished so I really hoped you enjoyed reading it!  
> If you want to check out my NON fanfiction work, it is on my Wattpad account: http://www.wattpad.com/user-wishdreamlovexx


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